In the godforsaken world of adult non alcoholic beverages, our goal is noble. To each unfulfilled barkeep you find squirting coke over ice into warm glasses, declare, demand:
“I want a drink not full of sugar or an expensive kid’s fruit juice. It should not be pulled from the regular cocktail menu with the alcohol left out unless your regular cocktail menu is awesome. It should not taste like dessert. It better not be a club soda and lime. It must fulfil some of the noble joys of alcohol, other than the obvious one, tasting interesting to the adult palette. I don’t want a drink I can guzzle down in seconds while my friends nurse their single malts. A child would want to spit this drink across the table.”
Some will stare and say “it’s impossible”. Others will laugh nervously and offer you saccharin sweetened orange squash. Most zombies won’t listen and will repeat “What can I get for you?”
Ignore them, they don’t have the mental fortitude for this game. Instead, seek out the mixologist ready to rise up against the cut-rate trash the trade has brainwashed us into drinking. Find the ‘tender who can see past a Virgin Mary to delve into science and magic and rock and roll with flair. And if s/he strikes gold, make a note of the fucking recipe and tip big.
The Rules to be a certified WTF2DRINK Winner:
- Not full of sugar, little bit – OK; insulin spiker – not OK
- Must not be mistaken for a mocktail, including the glassware it comes in
- It must satisfy an adult’s palette and be slightly revolting to a child’s
- It can’t be easy to down in one
PS Bonus points if it’s composed solely from ingredients held behind most bars.
