Dead Cau

Henley is not designed for The Mission. It’s where the prosecco junkies hang out waiting for the holy month of Regatta. It’s a fine, fine place; but the bottles of Seedlip in the wine merchant’s window are reaching a little. The dustbins overflow with Moet bottles and the river detritus always includes champagne corks.

Love this place as I do, it’s an echo chamber for normalised excessive drinking. I held little hope for a challenge success on a night out this week.

We were heading to Cau, a steak place. Actually, for a chain, a pretty good steak place. Bits of cow muscles are flown from Argentina to your plate via a skilfully manned grill.

The maître d’ lead us to a shining white patent plastic booth next to peeling wallpaper. A cross between a futuristic motorway services and a designer hospital in Thailand. I wondered how the farmers of the Steppes would view eating steak here. Server arrived with a royal blue T-Shirt emblazoned with ‘Cauboy’ on cue, answering my question.

Huge menus. Steak and derivatives thereof. Sides. Stuff. Turn over. Wine, beer, cocktails.

And ‘soft drinks’. They may as well have joined the Vegetarian section. ‘Soft’ must be designed to put us further off even when we find them.

Juice, water, soda, virgin mohito and something called a Cau Cooler.

Panic. Everything on the list fails.

I tried it on. “I’ll take a Virgin Mary please” I said. Cauboy stabbed at his machine and looked confused.

“Er, we don’t do Bloody Mary”.

“I said Virgin Mary.”

“The barman isn’t here yet, we can’t do cocktails” he said.

“Then give me tomato juice and a bottle of Worcester and I’ll make do”.

He left, sweating at the thought of going off menu but happy he had an out.

Five minutes later: “Er, we don’t have tomato juice.”

“Fuck, what? God damn man, how about alcohol free beer? Even a fucking Beck’s Blue?” Cauboy showed me the beer menu with too much excitement. Nothing.

I gave in and ordered a Virgin Mohito for the experience. He was beginning to look nervous and I feared for our food order.

And here it is – a glass of crushed ice, sugar, apple juice and more sugar, perhaps some lime juice, offset by sugar. And a sprig of mint.

WTF. Kids would kill for this shit. Fail. Bigger fail than bacon in my drink.

That night, I felt pity for vegetarians for the first time. Macaroni & Cheese the big star in the veggie options? I’m with you all the way brothers and sisters.